Another Clean Sheet to Add to City’s Endeavour.

Christiano Ronaldo’S Bro

Doncaster City’s Monday night game against Endeavour Hills was played in chilly, but fine conditions. The squad was depleted slightly when Ron Sinclair withdrew due a combination of a tight hammy (from Wednesday refereeing) and a sore throat (from slagging off at Gary last week).  Eric also asked to start on the bench, after exhausting himself putting on his socks.

City dominated from the start, with Davo, Andy, Marty and Coops bringing to the midfield all their experience from watching Captain Kangaroo throughout the 1970s.  Marty brushed aside his recent heart operation (who knew he had a heart???), having a shot cleared off the line in the 4th minute.  Gideon then showed off one of his special skills, giving away a free kick just outside the area, before deftly robbing an opponent, then nutmegging himself!   Gary continued his weekly self-flagellation (“Gary, that’s rubbish”) when an errant clearance hit a Rav 4 on the freeway, before what was supposed to be a through ball for Ron smashed a street light on Park Rd.   In a surprising turn of events, some actual football broke out in the 12th minute, when Andy cut a ball back for Coops, who brought out a wonderful save from the Hills’ keeper.  Normal services were then returned, when Marty crossed into the box and the ball bounced 8 times in the 6 yard box, before Coops smashed a volley into the Old Boys’ bar.   His frustration boiled over when John scored, only for the ref to disallow the goal, Coops to question the ref’s parenthood and the inevitable yellow card.

Order was finally brought about, when Coops passed to Ron W, who calmly slotted the ball into the bottom right hand corner…..1-0.  City were now on top and had a number of 4 on 4 break aways, but Ron was obviously trying to tally up the off-sides and the poor AR dislocated a shoulder flagging Ron off so many times!   In the 25th minute, Hills had their first shot on goal, a speculative 40 yard wet marshmallow, which Erick gathered up on the 19th bounce.

A highlight of the first half came in the 30th minute, when Gary called loud and clear for an unopposed header, before missing the ball by 10 metres and swallowing a moth. The convulsing spectators surmised that either;

  • the ball was caught in the wind (not a breathe was blowing),
  • Gary’s hair got in his eyes or
  • he was blinded by the sun which set 4 hours ago.

Davo then had a shot pushed onto the bar, Andy copped one in the Family Jewels, then John effected a great tackle, ran down the ball, crossed for Coops to lay the ball back for Davo, who smashed the ball into the bottom left corner…..2-0.

Ray doing his best Norman Hunter impersonation, as he hates forwards with a passion (Bogdan Bonk once complained that Ray nearly broke his leg when Ray went over the top of the ball.  Bogdan would have been more philosophical about it, but Bogdan was in the car park, putting his kit in the boot of his car!)

The half was concluded by Paul endangering a passing 737 with a rather high clearance and Gary again showing that he has the turning circle of the Titanic.

City started the second half like men possessed – possessed by the plague!  Coops, Andy, Marty, Ron, Davo and the assistant referee all had shots blocked and Maurice was everywhere (except, apparently, where Gary wanted him!). Gid momentarily silenced the Gaffer with a great header on target, before Gary smashed the ball into the net – the net 30 metres above the goal!  Andy and Paul showed their communication skills by both calling, “leave it, leave it” – they both left it and an Endeavour Hills play happily dribbled off with the ball.   Andy’s knee was starting to look like a swollen butcher’s hook and he call on Frank to sub on, thus commencing the longest warm up seen to man.

Ron was showing his fatigue, when an attempted 1-2 with Maurice turned into a 1….fall on my arse, before Maurice had a shot shave the upright.   Eric then found himself 6 yards out, directly in front of the goal, so he chipped a cross past the back post – many players would have panicked and had a shot in similar circumstances!

15 minutes after getting the call up, Frank finally finished his Israili Army warm up and came on for Andy…and immediately gave away a free kick right on the edge of the 18 yard box. Endeavour Hills then returned the favour, giving Davo the chance to double his tally by placing the ball where the keeper didn’t expect it – thru his legs…..3-0.

If it was possible, the game then slowed somewhat, as tired legs and the thought of a beer and pasta dish post-match brought the pace to glacial speed and City saw the win out comfortably, followed by sporting hand-shakes all round.

It should be noted that, if I missed any of the action, throughout the evening your reporter was obliged to try to catch glimpses of the game thru the near impenetrative barrier that was Steve, Frank and Eric’s arses!

Quote of the day went to Frank, who while watching from the side-lines displayed his footballing acumen, by saying, “It’s a tight game – like a game of chess.”….really Frank – more like a game of noughts and crosses play by two drunken chimpanzees wearing boxing gloves!

Well done on the win, lads – great entertainment, but it’ll never replace football!

MMM Muppet moment – The Gaffer due to the unmissable header, preceded by his mating call. 
BMW BoP Paul E, clearly thought about your distribution and positioning and covered plenty of ground – well played!

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