Lancastrian Reporter gone AWOL after England World Cup Goalfest

Aka Peter Kay with best Lanky Accent

With World Cup fever officially disrupting all Legends normal (?) behaviour, it appears Bolton’s best has done a runner. “Ah’m talkin’ to thee” GS, who was last seen in a post-match bar trying to recall each and every incident in a game that could well have ended 15-0 … but clearly didn’t given the ref’s submission of events. A week later and with dementia evident in most Legend players, this is now an abridged version of the match. In essence, it is written by a Lancastrian impersonator, and is merely provided to ensure that there is an archived record of the match, rather than be considered a figment of anyone’s imagination.

The game started, I think, with the Gaffer noting that the opponents were exactly the same personnel as the previous week, but just playing under a different name and strengthened by our very own Ash and John H. At a frenetic pace (now I know we’re all dreaming), Bayside pressured us for the first 10 minutes of the match, before the accuracy of pass and swift movement of the City ball cut through the Bayside midfield at will.

However, it became a replica of the England v Panama game with a 5-0 score line recorded at half-time. At one extreme we were passing the ball to the opposition in our own box (well saved Rick), whilst at the other we were witnessing the Harry Kane and John Stones show – courtesy of Paul C and Rick V. Firstly, Paul C turned provider to release Rick in the six yard box to slot home. The Gaffer then gave his younger apprentice, John M the opportunity to take a corner, and watched admiringly from afar, as he perfectly executed the corner to land on Paul C’s head to make it 2-0. Watching the video, clearly there was no heading technique apparent in the goal!!

With our top goal scorer’s cheerleader squad in attendance, he was keen to further impress ‘his ladies’ and duly completed his hat-trick with the game no more than 25 minutes old. After some good midfield pressure down the right Paul C found himself on a one on one with the keeper and coolly slotted home. His third goal and the Legend’s fourth, was a little more controversial. In a surprising amount of space, Rick V received the ball in his own half and despite Bayside stopping and appealing for offside, they watched his inside channel pass to Paul C hit the roof of their own net. With the score already at 4-0, the Gaffer made a number of substitutions. This merely gave fresh legs and allowed Rick V to score a second and make it 5-0. We know you scored Rick, but how … unfortunately no one remembers!!

The second half saw Bayside try to heavily press the City defence, but this also allowed opportunities on a regular basis to be exploited at the other end of the park. However, goal misses were common throughout this half, and everyone was trying to win the Muppet Moment of the match. No more was this apparent than what must go down as the miss of the century. With Steve H on a one on one with the Bayside keeper, he very unselfishly passed to John M, who had an open net in front of him. The rest is a complete blur, because I know he didn’t score and my recollection was that he tried to blast it at the keeper who was merely walking back to pick it out of his net. Yes, John struck it at the keeper and his only saving grace, we got a corner out of it!! The misses continued. Eric L saw his close range shot hit the side netting. Eric S shocked everyone by suddenly appearing in the opposition’s box at a corner, only to see his back headed attempt well saved by the keeper. And just to add to the list of cameos, United coach Graham starred in the centre of midfield and nearly scored a hat-trick in his first 10 minutes of play. Fortunately, the goal scoring abilities of Rick V (for his hat-trick) and Paul C from an Eric L cross, meant the goal scoring festival was maintained.

With rotating positions a common feature of the second half, the Gaffer swapped Andy in goal which bought a huge sigh of relief when Rick J managed to finally squeeze into City’s number 9 shirt. Never one to disappoint, Rick J then scored two very well taken goals – his best turning on a six pence (please use google if you were born after 1960) before rifling his 20 yard left shot passed a very impressed opposing keeper. At the other end of play,  Andy was still trying to work out which hand fitted which glove, when a first time shot by opposing captain Martin, saw Bayside score the final goal of the match. It goes without saying that the Gaffer was still spitting venom as the final whistle was blown.

MMM Muppet Moment of Match – could it be John’s miss of the century or Paul E’s lack of first time control after a knackering 60 metre run? No, this week it’s awarded to the “Northern Noddy” who promised to write this match report and then forgot where he left his pen!!  
BMW BoP Doncaster’s Best on Park was Paul C – despite being substituted for 20 minutes for not passing the ball, the opponents could not stop him scoring another four goals to add to his 2018 collection.

Please view some of the highlights by clicking on the word “VIDEO” here.

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