More Riveting than a Federal Election

Steve Brown

So the Blues and the Reds fought out a somewhat one-sided pre-election Derby on a pleasant (weather-wise) Monday evening at Park Avenue.

All the polls beforehand were pointing strongly toward a Coalition (City/VicPol) victory but a cross bench defection (Moore) and some late candidate withdrawals (Singh, Attwood, Caridi) from both parties kept the pollsters guessing right up to the last minute. So with barely enough Candidates to meet the minimum requirements both back benches were deserted for this late night session.

Rather than dwell on the Coalition Landslide victory this match reporter has focussed solely on the policies deployed by both parties on the night.

Let’s start with United and Leader Bill Shorten (Brown) attempting to wind back the negative gearing in the league table by packing 5 into the back line, this policy seemed to be undone by the lack of Franking (Catela) credits as the member for The Philippines seemed to want to play in midfield. Treasurer Bowen (Stock) was defending the right flank of the party repeatedly repelling and occasionally felling Greg Hunt (Sims) which saw yet another Mediscare campaign with the new first aid kit getting it’s maiden speech in Parliament.

United’s attack-dog Kenneally (McLoughlin) was rendered impotent and was muzzled pretty much up to half-time when he found his voice and unleashed on anyone who was in earshot. Finally, the Shadow Minister for Defence, Richard Marles (Dykes) was left chasing shadows all evening.

In the midfield Whitlam (Gough) was tasked with nullifying Tony Abbott (Cooper) but the former PM was not going to let anyone shackle him and he did pretty much whatever he liked during the whole game. Industrious effort from Anthony Albanese (Harrison), Brendan O’Connor (Jenkins M), Kim Carr (Coard), Sally McManus (Boyte) and the whole Trade Union Movement couldn’t stem the blue tidal wave of attacks and the Coalition thrusts of Peter Dutton (Hughes) and the dainty footwork of Julie Bishop (Davidson) in his almost red boots. At the other end of the park Minister for Tourism Simon Birmingham (Snowball) was seen putting out his towel on the Sun Lounger in front of goal.

United’s Deputy Leader, Tanya Plibersek (Attwood) could be seen scratching her head furiously on the sidelines unable to redress the clear imbalance on the field.

Coalition Leader of the House & Minister of Defence Pyne (Jenkins, G) marshalled his troops effortlessly through the first half but was forced into a concession of mixing the teams up for the second half to avoid a hung parliament.  It should be noted for the parliamentary records that goals were scored at will in the first half with Malcolm Turnbull (Lamb) isolated out on the wing drifting inwards and unleashing a David Narey type toe-poke into the far corner and Josh Frydenberg (Emery) exerting his parliamentary privilege to waltz through unopposed being the pick of the bunch apart from the free-kick.

In the 2nd Half, Hughes put on his Border Protection hat and switched sides to help plug the gaps in the struggling Utd backline along with Stafrace, Lamb & Moore. In exchange Penny Wong (Whan) assumed striking duties for the Coalition and whether he didn’t want to heap more misery onto his erstwhile United colleagues or because of the athletic abilities of Shadow Minister for Vets Affairs and Defence Personnel Amanda Rishworth (McCulloch) he remained scoreless although Sims did end up with a total of 4 goals.

Surely nothing less than a Royal Commission into the whole evening is required and it remains to be seen whether the Leadership Team of United can survive until the next Election but they continue with their War Cry of …… “A Fair go for All”.

Below the line preference votes as below……………………….

MMM Memorable moment of match – John McCulloch diving fully outstretched to tip Eddie’s only goalbound effort of the night past the post.
MMM Muppet moment goes to – Jenkins G continuing his fine PanPacs form of gifting a goal   
BMW BoP Darren Cooper who controlled the game from the outset and capped off a fine display with an exquisite free kick goal.



The Derby 2019 (part 1) – City’s Version

By Jimmy Olsen cub reporter

The first of the Doncaster derbies of 2019 took place on Monday evening.

The tension in the rooms before the game was palpable. Players from both teams were pushing, shoving and biting each other.

This reporter thought that the volatile behaviour was in regard to the upcoming match but in reality it was because the new warm up jackets had arrived and everyone wanted to get into one that fitted them.

Little Ray (the smiling assassin) as usual had plenty of Vaseline with him but this week for a change decided to put some on his face……….

Erick S was in goal and just to ensure that everyone knew he was there stole a fluorescent jumper from a guy who was working at some nearby road works and wore it throughout the match.

The game was delayed as a search team had to be deployed to find a pair of shorts big enough to fit Coops.

Gary got the City lads together and gave his usual Guardiola like pre match address to the boys. Some of them stayed awake for the whole thing.

It has to be said that City played some pretty attractive football throughout the first half and as a result knocked in a few cracking goals.

There was Maurice’s flick in from the near post, Coops perfect placement of a free kick, Andy’s dribble from his own half, Paul’s side step of the keeper, and how could we forget Erick L’s shot of the century? Described in his own words as a goal that “left me in awe … it woke up the spiders in the top right corner … a thunderbolt from fully 20+ metres as it glanced the inside of the post on its way to the back of the net.”

But to the credit of United they stuck to their guns and supported each other like good teammates do.

It was getting late into the half and this reporter was sitting on hot coals waiting for that special “Maurice moment” that always seems to occur when the Maltese Falcon is involved.

An innocuous passage of play took place in the far corner and the ball ended up out of play. City took a quick throw in and the game progressed into the midfield area.

All of a sudden the ref blew his whistle and a figure was seen to be slumped against the fence. The crowd were hushed, what had happened, who could it be, had Ray finally killed someone?

Then the Falcon was seen getting to his feet and staggering around like he was pissed or had just been 15 rounds with Rocky Marciano (all the while saying he was fine).  Big Mo stumbled to the rooms for some much needed medical help.

The half time whistle blew and as the United lads had copped a couple of knocks it was decided to change the teams around a little.

There were some complaints from the neighbourhood regarding the lights reflecting from Erick’s top keeping the kids awake, but we pressed on.

The second half was a much slower and tighter affair and the game seemed to run out of steam. Maurice came back on sporting a band aid across his dainty little nose and to everyone’s delight seemed to be ok. To prove the point he shared a very close encounter in what can only be described as a Maltese bear hug with the Vaseline man, before conjuring up a further brace to add to his collection.

And then again there was the Gaffer’s déjà vu Gold Coast moment. With no grass or sand in sight, he inexplicably fell over. The smiling Steve B put his sunnies on before taking on Erick S and coolly slotted home. At the other end, Eddie was doing his very best to learn the subtle art of “being a forward”. However, on one occasion just when his well struck shot seemed to be destined for the corner, Johnnie M produced a “save of the season” moment diving full length to thwart this goal bound attempt.

A good run was had by all and a couple of beers sunk in the rooms afterwards. Rumour has it that big Ron actually bought a drink at the bar, but this reporter isn’t believing that one unless there is CCTV footage to back it up.

MMM Muppet Moment of Match – Maurice staggering through the penalty area telling everyone he was fine.
BMW BoP City’s Best on Park – Darren Cooper a few good goals and excellent movement throughout.


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